sat 7 oct

happy october 🎃 🍁 ☕️ ⚰️

i’ve been in hermit-mode for a little while, but today i want to let you know what’s been going on.

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aaaaalright, let’s do this one last time.

in the latter half of September, i was having a kinda rough time. not only was i having the worst physical anxiety symptoms i’d had in years, but i also started to notice anhedonia (feeling numb and unable to take pleasure in things) rearing its head. eventually all this escalated into a flare up of full-on depression.

this was a boiling-the-frog situation - feelings and symptoms crept in slowly over time, and it felt like they were coming from nowhere. my life was pretty good, so why was i struggling so much? why did it seem to be getting worse?

Robert Salposky’s Stanford lecture on the science of depression (check it out down in the Finds below) had been on my watch-later list for ages, when i finally watched it in late september some things clicked into place. having gone through more than one major depression myself, i wasn’t really expecting to learn anything new, but it really clarified some crucial things about how “situational” depressions can evolve into chronic ones, and the role of stress and loss of agency in all of it.

(if you or anyone close to you goes through depression, i really recommend listening to this lecture next time your ears are free.)

i already knew how serious Chronic Stress could be, after learning about it as a root cause of many symptoms when i did Clara Bailey’s Moon School course and started learning about holistic and herbal medicine, though i had only really been connecting it with anxiety, not depression. (sadly, Moon School is no longer running - i hope to find a good alternative i can wholeheartedly recommend soon.)

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it became clear how i’d gotten to this point.

in mid September i ran the second round of my course, Constellation Clarity - and while it went really well, it was the last in a long chain of really big business projects i worked on in the last six months (more?) with basically no breathers in between. add moving house and other life changes and personal stressors, and i was just completely up to my eyeballs in stress. i had all the classic symptoms - racing thoughts, irritability and oversensitivity, craving sugar, struggling to wind down to sleep.

i’d hit a limit, and my body had forced me to grind to a stop. anxiety had gone through the roof, and my mood and executive function had fallen through the floor.

but, for the first time i was seeing the connection between prolonged stress and the wave of depression that followed. i’ve never had much luck with medications, or finding a “solution” to my depressions, i always just tried to weather them as best i could.

chronic stress though, that WAS something i had experience managing and improving. a few years back, using Moon School resources, i had tracked my symptoms of chronic stress, implemented self care plans and herbal remedies, and watched those symptoms reduce massively over the course of several months. it was time to return to these tools.

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this time though, i was ready to enlist the help of a professional herbalist. my introduction to herbalism was entirely through the lens of menstrual health, but now i wanted to focus on support with stress, anxiety and depression specifically.

in Glasgow, i’m lucky enough to be able to go to Napier’s the Herbalists, which is an old and well respected dispensary. with Pete’s help (making phone calls is something i struggle with even when i’m not depressed), i booked an appointment with the resident Medical Herbalist. after talking all of this through, she prescribed me a tincture blend - some of which were herbs i knew and had been thinking of trying (like withania and st john’s wort) and some which were new to me (like siberian ginseng and ginkgo biloba).

alongside this, i’ve returned to therapy, leaned into activities i know to be restorative even if they aren’t actually enjoyable right now, and started to make slow, slow progress on untangling the life-backlog that has built up.

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and i’m happy to report that things are getting better. the last few days have been much lighter and easier than the few days preceding them, and today is the first where it felt markedly easier to get out of bed and get going in the morning. these things come in waves, so i don’t expect it’s all going to be smooth sailing from here, but the trend already seems to be moving upward. i’m deeply grateful for that.

i’ve also come to realise that i need something of an autumn sabbatical from big business projects if i’m going to continue to get better. i don’t want to dive straight into the next thing, and find myself back here in a month. i’m still figuring out what that will look like - if i’m going to continue writing newsletters and publishing the Patron Periodical etc - but for sure things will be a little quieter around here for a while.

as a self-employed person, it’s hard to take time off knowing there is no one to cover and less money will be coming in, but i’m always talking about giving yourself the rest and recovery you need and i want to take my own damn advice.

so, that’s what’s been happening over here, i just wanted to let you know.

i’ll leave you with the usual bits and bobs, and end with a wee round-up of some favourite resources on the topic of depression.

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✦ the channel

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several videos are either in progress or on hiatus right now - in the meantime, maybe you’d enjoy (or enjoy revisiting) this soothing autumnal vlog, or my recent video about how i spend ritual time as a witch.

​a quiet laundry day in autumn 🍁 vlog​

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​the ONLY ritual i use as a witch ✧​

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✦ the almanac

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• MID AUTUMN / N. hemisphere
  • 🍁 leaves in full turn
  • 💀 spooky season, memento mori
  • 🎃 pumpkin spice, root veg, last harvest
• 🌓 WANING MOON / winding down, completion, releasing

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✦ the work

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in last month’s periodical, i shared a system that helps me eat healthier, waste less and enjoy meals more. i’ve heard a bunch of patrons have been trying it! if you have, let me know how you’ve found it or if you’ve come across a fave ingredient combo in the discord 🥰

once a month i add an article or resource to this library exclusive to my patrons. if you’re not already a patron and want in, you can join for a few dollars a month.

​🥬 the recipe that changed my relationship with food | part 1​

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✦ the finds

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since depression ended up becoming the main topic of this letter, i wanted to collect a few resources on it i've found valuable recently.

​✦ Stanford's Sapolsky on Depression​

an hour long lecture on the science of depression. it's old, but i still learned things i didn't know and it has changed how i see depression. makes a good

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​✦ Depression | Meds, Therapy, Exercise and Self Love by Kelly-Ann Maddox​

i've returned to this gem several times, and did so again recently. kelly-ann offers a nuanced take on the role of anti-depressant medications as part of a wider picture of care for depression, illustrated with her own experiences.

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​✦ the TRUTH about DEPRESSION: Stigma, Shame and Weird Symptoms​

this one, rather than exploring strategies or solutions, is an honest discussion of what depression is really like, and might be very validating if you don’t often see your experience of it reflected in media or discussion.

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and that’s all for today. if you are going through anything similar, i wish you all the support, strength and good cups of tea in the world 🫖 ❤️

take care,